adventures in bi-lo.... no, i'm serious.

my trip to the grocery store today was ridiculous. it's times like these that i look around and think, "really? there's no one else here to witness this?"

((first of all, prior to me arriving, dmx's "up in here" was on the radio. and yes, i still know every word. so i was in a good mood.))

now, i love grocery shopping during the day. why? well because it's all old people and little kids: my two favorite demographics. allow me to expound.

i'm in the produce section, getting some gala apples. the stormy noises start, and the inevitable sprayers come on. i look up from my apples to see a little boy hanging out of his seat in a shopping cart to stick his head under the sprayer, eyes closed, tongue out, for a good 30 seconds before his mom noticed. he was soaked at this point. hilarious.

now, i've been to this grocery store about a billion times. and today was the first day i noticed that there are quotes on the wall. random, you say? how about this little gem above the lettuce:
"it's not easy being green. --kermit the frog"

ironic, bi-lo. i like it.

next i had about a five minute conversation with an 86-year old woman about which type of sushi she should purchase. i know what you're thinking: why ask me?

"my sixteen year old granddaughter is coming to stay, and i needed a teenager's opinion."

16... 24..... definitely the same. glad to know i can still get carded for R-rated movies.

rounded the aisle from sushi lady, and the most hysterical thing i've seen in a while awaited me. miley cyrus's "party in the USA" was (naturally) playing on the radio, and as i entered the canned foods section, what did i see but a 65-year old man nodding his head like yeah... and then moving his hips like yeah.

GLORIOUS, i tell you. his wife was embarrassed. he was not. we became friends.

a couple of uneventful aisles, and i was in the deli meat section. there was a little boy campaigning for a pizza lunchable. now, i may or may not also buy these. judge me all you want, but they're good and sometimes i have to eat fast. so i attempted to stealthily snag a lunchable, but he saw me and exclaimed "SEE?!? she even eats them, and she's OLD."

apparently not, according to sushi lady. thanks, kid. ego boost.

passing by the adult beverage section, and there's a guy putting giant christmas bows on.... something, i don't know. i was looking at the bows, wondering if it was really time for christmas. apparently i was staring pretty hard because he all of a sudden starts talking to me.

"yeah, i know. my job is awesome."

sorry, bow dude. my condolences.

after exchanging a smile with miley cyrus's #1 fan over the OJ, i was ready to check out. of course i pick the slowest lane, but at this point, i don't really care. it's slow because the woman checking me out is approx 72 years old. but she's sweet, or so i thought....

i'm watching how much money i'm saving with my bonuscard (a little game i like to play), when i hear her say "oh, they'll love these. my grandkids do" as she's holding up my iced animal cookies.

"excuse me?"
"oh, do you not have kids?"

at that point, i realize that i eat like a five year old. my cart contained not only the aforementioned lunchable and iced animal cookies, but also capri suns and goldfish. whoops.

plus: identity crisis--- how old do i look to people?? i've ranged from 16 to mother of 2 in approx one hour. how is this possible.

so that was my day. someone give me a reality show, pronto. it would kill.

((bonus: when i got home, i realized i accidentally bought hint of lime tostitos instead of regular ones. i love the lime ones, but they're bad for you, so i don't buy them. my subconscious wins again.))