the times they are a changing...

i officially don't live in chattanooga anymore. weird.

i journal. i change journals when i start a new phase of life. i'm starting a new phase of life.

my new blog locale is here:
http://thatswhatdsaid.tumblr.com/
enjoy, all five of you.

cue the sadness...

up to this point, i've been wanting may 2010 to arrive as soon as possible. last night, though, cory played a show at mudpie, and it was indescribably fun. practically the whole PT department was there, including 3 faculty members.

it was hilarious. and amazing. and i laughed more than night than in the past week combined.

and i almost cried.

man, i'm going to miss these people.

"if you're not laughing, who is laughing now?"

let me tell you a little story about a band named needtobreathe.

i think most of the people who actually read this already know about them, but if you do not for some insane reason, stop reading right now and go listen to them on itunes. unless you can't because you're at work, and then, shame on you. go back to work.

i'm a seasonal music person; some types of music just go better with the cold weather. now, it could be that their past two CDs have been released in the fall, or it brings back memories of going to shipwrecked at furman, but needtobreathe has always been a fall band for me.

so the other day, one of their new songs, "the outsiders" came on during a run, and i had a little moment. i was running the bridges, and as i came onto the frazier side of the walking bridge, the sun was setting just over lookout mountain, and the whole sky was beautifully orange and reflecting into the river. and the normal hilarious collection of people were on the bridge: hippies playing guitars, homeless people with their pots out, high school kids taking 9834983 pictures, families coming from clumpies, etc.

i got kind of nostalgic about the past 2 1/2 years in my crazy, hilarious life in this eclectic city that i live in with all the people i've come to know and all the times i've looked around and thought "seriously: what the hell am i doing??"

and................... i'm kind of going to miss it.

the outsiders
needtobreathe

shortfalls and little sins
close calls where no one wins
stand tall, we're runnin' thin
i'm wearing thin.

oh, why are we keeping score?

'cause if you're not laughing,
who is laughing now?
i've been wondering:
if we start sinking,
would we stand our ground?
and through everything we've learned
we've finally come to terms
we are the outsiders.

i'm not leaving without a fight.
i've got my holsters around my side
just 'cause i'm wrong,
it don't make you right.
no you ain't right.

oh, why are we keeping score?

'cause if you're not laughing,
who is laughing now?
i've been wondering:
if we start sinking
would we stand our ground?
and through everything we've learned
we've finally come to terms
we are the outsiders.

on the outside
you're free to roam.
on the outside
we've found a home.
on the outside
there's more to see.
on the outside
we choose to be.



((of course, after that, "ice cream paint job" came on, and that kinda ruined the moment...))

adventures in bi-lo.... no, i'm serious.

my trip to the grocery store today was ridiculous. it's times like these that i look around and think, "really? there's no one else here to witness this?"

((first of all, prior to me arriving, dmx's "up in here" was on the radio. and yes, i still know every word. so i was in a good mood.))

now, i love grocery shopping during the day. why? well because it's all old people and little kids: my two favorite demographics. allow me to expound.

i'm in the produce section, getting some gala apples. the stormy noises start, and the inevitable sprayers come on. i look up from my apples to see a little boy hanging out of his seat in a shopping cart to stick his head under the sprayer, eyes closed, tongue out, for a good 30 seconds before his mom noticed. he was soaked at this point. hilarious.

now, i've been to this grocery store about a billion times. and today was the first day i noticed that there are quotes on the wall. random, you say? how about this little gem above the lettuce:
"it's not easy being green. --kermit the frog"

ironic, bi-lo. i like it.

next i had about a five minute conversation with an 86-year old woman about which type of sushi she should purchase. i know what you're thinking: why ask me?

"my sixteen year old granddaughter is coming to stay, and i needed a teenager's opinion."

16... 24..... definitely the same. glad to know i can still get carded for R-rated movies.

rounded the aisle from sushi lady, and the most hysterical thing i've seen in a while awaited me. miley cyrus's "party in the USA" was (naturally) playing on the radio, and as i entered the canned foods section, what did i see but a 65-year old man nodding his head like yeah... and then moving his hips like yeah.

GLORIOUS, i tell you. his wife was embarrassed. he was not. we became friends.

a couple of uneventful aisles, and i was in the deli meat section. there was a little boy campaigning for a pizza lunchable. now, i may or may not also buy these. judge me all you want, but they're good and sometimes i have to eat fast. so i attempted to stealthily snag a lunchable, but he saw me and exclaimed "SEE?!? she even eats them, and she's OLD."

apparently not, according to sushi lady. thanks, kid. ego boost.

passing by the adult beverage section, and there's a guy putting giant christmas bows on.... something, i don't know. i was looking at the bows, wondering if it was really time for christmas. apparently i was staring pretty hard because he all of a sudden starts talking to me.

"yeah, i know. my job is awesome."

sorry, bow dude. my condolences.

after exchanging a smile with miley cyrus's #1 fan over the OJ, i was ready to check out. of course i pick the slowest lane, but at this point, i don't really care. it's slow because the woman checking me out is approx 72 years old. but she's sweet, or so i thought....

i'm watching how much money i'm saving with my bonuscard (a little game i like to play), when i hear her say "oh, they'll love these. my grandkids do" as she's holding up my iced animal cookies.

"excuse me?"
"oh, do you not have kids?"

at that point, i realize that i eat like a five year old. my cart contained not only the aforementioned lunchable and iced animal cookies, but also capri suns and goldfish. whoops.

plus: identity crisis--- how old do i look to people?? i've ranged from 16 to mother of 2 in approx one hour. how is this possible.

so that was my day. someone give me a reality show, pronto. it would kill.

((bonus: when i got home, i realized i accidentally bought hint of lime tostitos instead of regular ones. i love the lime ones, but they're bad for you, so i don't buy them. my subconscious wins again.))

i may or may not have run a half marathon.

yup, i did. it was a while ago..... but i did it.


race day was perfect: a little chilly in the morning (when we got there before the sun came up), but turned into a beautiful fall day. my parents came to watch, and naturally my mom had signs. she had to resort to those because i had already instituted a balloon-ban. pat and her balloons, i'll never understand it...


i actually wasn't too nervous until we were walking to the starting line and i was suddenly surrounded by all these very athletic-looking people, and i got to wondering if i was out of my league. my favorite part was the very tall, lone kenyan man standing under the 1:15 sign with a look on his face like, "yeah, you just walk on back to 2:00".  yes, sir.


after i finished almost throwing up three times, the gun went off, and i kicked off the race with some beyonce. that's right, "all the single ladies" was my song of choice. good decision, i'd say. prosser's parents and mine had scoped out some great places along the race route to see us, so it was always great to see a familiar face (and a sign).


first 8 miles: amazing. next two miles: hell.


there was one part where my mom said, "yeah, when we saw you come in alumni drive, you looked pretty bad." thanks, mom. "but you picked it up on the way out!" yeah, a mile and a half later.


after that, it was just a battle of wills. i knew i could run three more miles, and i knew i would hate myself if i ran them super slow (up to this point, i was dead on my target pace, even a little faster). and i would REALLY hate myself if i walked. and then God told my iPod to play Vitamin String Quartet "Hallelujah". oh man, i got goosebumps. movie moment.

that last mile, we could see the lights of the stadium, and i was trucking for them like nobody's business. my feet hitting the track was the best feeling i've maybe ever had. i could see the finish line, and my dad being paparazzi right behind it, and i just booked it.





2 hours, 12 minutes, and 49 seconds. not bad for my first try, i'd say.




i still don't really believe i actually did it. i think i blacked out that morning for a while. but maybe it's like pregnancy: people say you don't remember the pain, so that you may actually do it again. and it's true, i will.


((someone remind me of that later))

(not) things i (don't) miss about atlanta.

it's been almost a month since i left the ATL. (and yes, i referred to atlanta as "the ATL". that just happened). now, i'm not going to lie, atlanta is not my favorite place. i gave it a trial run, and it failed. however, a new wave of positivity is sweeping my life; so, these are the things i actually do miss about being in atlanta.


1. Bird: oh man, what would i have done without bird. been homeless, for sure. hated my life, definitely. watched less harry potter, true blood, and how i met your mother: absolutely. 
2. Natalia: my favorite mexi-can. i miss her and her wild stories about the salon underworld. it's scandalous.
3. Chrissy, a.k.a. Doodle: i'd heard a lot about chrissy prior to my arrival in atlanta, and she delivered. my favorite time was when she brought over a dvd of her home movies....it made my ballet video look tame. 
4. Knoxville/Furman friends: katie, christine, nancy, paul, allen, and now whit! man, that was great.
5. Mother Tucker: okay, that's not really its name. it's actually the Movie Tavern in Tucker, GA. eating dinner, having a beverage, AND watching a movie? what's not to love?
6. Children's Healthcare: i miss my kids. they were fun.
7. Fridays off: three day weekend? glorious. i will strive to work four tens in my future. 
8. Dave FM: INCREDIBLE radio station. 92.9 for those of you who live there. if you don't, you can go here and look at their playlists. acoustic sundays were my favorite. 
9. Figo: excellent pasta place. we went there for my birthday and it was fabulous. so...... we went again for bird's. 
10. 85-North: oh wait. maybe not so much. 

ah, rediscoveries.

addendum to my previous post about running music:
i also recently unearthed a gem from approx sophomore year: the collision course album from jay-z and linkin park. glorious.

queue is a weird word.

queue: 1 : a braid of hair usually worn hanging at the back of the head 2 : a waiting line especially of persons or vehicles 3 a : a sequence of messages or jobs held in temporary storage awaiting transmission or processing

oh, that's what all those things had in common. i was confused.

anyways, i got netflix for my birthday this year. CAN'T believe it took me this long to discover it's glory. any random movie/tv show you can imagine, and you don't have to do anything but mess around on the computer for a few hours? did the inventor of this company know me personally?

i kind of love it.

i've even begun keeping a running queue in my head for movies i need to see in theaters. (netflix, if you could figure this one out, i may explode with happiness). currently:

1. (500) Days of Summer

2. Away We Go

3. Funny People

4. The Time-Traveler's Wife

5. Spread

6. Ice Age 3 (yeah, yeah, laugh it up.)

any of you people who live around here and have a ridiculous amount of free time to see movies, let me know. we'll chat over a bucket of popcorn, and i'll update you on my queue. (and why is it spelled that way? it seems redundant.)

"from then on, if i was goin' somewhere-- i was run-ing."

i've decided to train for a half marathon. rather, in a moment of weakness, prosser convinced me to commit. so now, on october third, in murfreesboro, tn, she and i will attempt to complete "the middle half". clever, i know.

it's hard.

((that's what she said.))

but really, it is.

you see, unless it's within the context of a sport or competition, i am not a huge fan of running. i'm an emotional runner. when i'm mad or sad or extremely happy, i run like a champ. on those other days, when i'm running because i know i have to, i hit the wall at about mile one. i'm not tired; i'm just not motivated.

the way that i've figured to channel these emotions is to motivate myself by music. some people may see me with my iPod on and think, hey, angry girl music, but we're not exactly talking about kelly clarkson here. i need something a bit more serious. 

back in the day, i made a mean mix CD. (it's a lost art, really). but now, i'll settle for making some bad A playlists. here's my current run list: (they are in alphabetical order because that's the way i found them in my iTunes, i usually rock the shuffle)

1. black eyed peas: i gotta feeling

2. black ghosts: full moon

3. carolina liar: show me what i'm looking for

4. coheed & cambria: welcome home

(this has been, and probably always will be, my powersong. the first minute is like the theme song to some superhero movie...)

5. coldplay: life in technicolor

6. the frames: falling slowly

7. framing hanley: lollipop

8. the fray: absolute

9. kerli: not a barbie doll

10. kevin rudolf: let it rock

11. the killers: mr. brightside

12. kings of leon: sex on fire

13. mims: move (if you wanna)

14. muse: supermassive black hole

15. mutemath: noticed

16. pit bull: go girl

17. quietdrive: rush together

18. red hot chili peppers: tell me baby

19. ryan adams: so alive

20. syntax: bliss

21. timbaland: oh timbaland

22. wolfmother: joker and the thief

so, for every time you've ever seen someone in the gym and wondered what they were listening to, i hope you've satisfied your curiosity. 

oh, it's back.

does everyone remember the nike presto watch i had all through college?

does everyone also remember the very sad day of my life when it broke two years ago? and the even sadder day when i found out they didn't make them anymore?

well, it's back. and i'm pretty pumped about it.

thank you amazon.com and the birthday money that helped fund this little timepiece renaissance.

it's the little things, really.

(now that i think about it, i've had a rough go since PT school started.
things that have broken in that period of time: watch, iPod, cell phone, hard drive, passenger side window........)

consistency? fail.

i once again have become delinquent in my blogging, which has recently been brought to my attention. apologies.

it's been a crazy summer: clinic, hospitals, birthdays, weddings. i'm a big fan of lists, so here are some for you.

things i've learned recently:

wearing scrubs daily = glorious. 

cities cupcakes > the cupcakery.

kids really do say the darndest things.

i sometimes still miss furman, and that's okay.

life shouldn't be as hard as we all make it.

things i newly enjoy:

coffee

how i met your mother

TOMS

running (who knew?)

things i have greatly begun to appreciate:

living around mountains, trees, and green things.

the afternoon nap.

individuality.

things i'm looking forward to:

being a third year.

new needtobreathe cd + concert in chattanooga.

running my first half marathon.

figuring out how to be a grown-up.

bored in class...

grad school is realllllllllly hard. and serious. here's proof:

my album is being released soon. look for it on itunes.

i think i was also attempting to "listen" to debs during this one. think she bought it?

that's cory's finger, by the way.

a heart-shaped nostril? hot.

a square forehead? equally as hot.

heyyyyy, look over there

easily the sketchiest of the batch....

quite the schnoz you have, sir

dat's right, we got a grill...

this is cory's "big league chew" face...

olive oyle.

meanwhile, we were ichatting these pictures around the room. clearly, we have absolutely no fun.

oh, when times were simpler...

i don't often think back and say, "hey, i miss those times from high school." 

but today, sitting in class talking about lymphedema for the 5,000th time, i really really missed "movie day". remember those times? when you were thinking about your day, and there, in third period, was a bright spot..... all because you were watching the dead poets society for the umpteenth time while coach carter went to the vending machine for eight bags of m&ms so he could flirt with the receptionist in the east mall. 

so, here i sit, still listening to a lecture about morbid obesity that could easily be taught by a couple episodes of the biggest loser or what's eating gilbert grape. think i should bring it up to the PT faculty? i'm considering it.

go mocs!

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

so: UTC isn't exactly known as a basketball powerhouse, BUT we won the SoCon, and we're going to the NCAA tournament! unfortunately, we drew a 16-seed, and no such team has ever won a game in the tourney. however, i love march madness, and i'm a sucker for the underdogs, especially when they're in any way related to my life.

therefore, when i saw that someone else (jimmy fallon) shared my enthusiasm, i found it utterly hilarious. this is the video from the first night; even better was the following spot, when the roots serenaded a photo montage of our coach, john schulman, who is apparently "the don juan of the SoCon". hysterical. they're all on nbc.com if you are bored/wish to laugh a little.

and in the words of my professor dr. hanks:

wacca wacca wacca, 

go big mocca,

kick 'em in the buns big shoe!

is this real life?

for a couple days, i wasn't sure. spring break in LA with three of your best friends?? get the heck out of here. of course it was amazing.

thank goodness philip drove caroline to the airport, avoiding a severe traffic jam at LAX. i think i actually saw him physically restrain her from doing a tuck-and-roll out of the car when she saw the three of us on the sidewalk. there were hugs and crying and lots of girly smiling and staring at each other wondering: is this real life?

it was, and for several days, some of the best i've had in a long time. i don't think i realized how much i needed time with those three girls until i had it. how i am lucky enough to have friends like these in my life, i don't know, but i am surely grateful to the Lord for these three incredible blessings.

what did we do........ what did we NOT do? we had a list, which we accomplished (mostly), with a few substitutions/modifications: eat at a 24 joint (Mel's Diner), watch the sunrise (Griffith Park), watch the sunset (Venice Beach), go to Mosaic, get a henna tattoo (see above), bowling at Lucky Strike, sing "Shine On" loudly in the car, eat at Geoffrey's, make brownies and ice cream, and complete the..... challenge. i won, by the way, and someone owes me my prize. pay up, ladies. 

we also got to eat an incredible dinner at Bella with my dad, which is always a good time :)

as much fun as all that was, i think my favorite times were just sitting in caroline's apartment around a meal (that philip had probably made, thanks phil :)) and talking and laughing and just enjoying life with each other. it's cheesy, but we really are meant to be friends. something works when we're all together, and it's in those times that i truly know that the Lord has his hand in these friendships.

love you girls :) 

He's just that into you.

i've had some tough times in my life, and this past year has been a doozy. as much as i hate to admit it, i always come out the other side of these trials with a strength and a renewed sense of the power of the Lord. it's so trite, but so true, that God really does speak the loudest when we are our lowest. 

the next passage is one that i've grown to rely on, and have recently appreciated that power of. if you know me at all, you'll see it too.

i will exalt you, O Lord,

for you lifted me out of the depths

and did not let my enemies gloat 

over me.

O Lord my God, i called to you for help

and you healed me.

O Lord, you brought me up from the grave,

you spared me from going down into the pit.

sing to the Lord,  you saints of his,

praise his holy name.

for his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts for a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

when i felt secure, i said, 

"i will never be shaken."

o Lord, when you favored me, 

you made my mountain stand firm;

but when you hid your face,

i was dismayed.

to you, o Lord, i called;

to the Lord i cried for mercy:

"what gain is there in my destruction, 

in my going down into the pit?

will the dust praise you?

will it proclaim your faithfulness?

hear, o Lord, and be merciful to me;

o Lord, be my help."

you turned my wailing into dancing;

you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.

psalm 30 (NIV)

praise be to God for His faithfulness. he speaks in the silences of our hearts and the loneliest of days. 

this week's sign of the apocalypse:

i'm giving up facebook for lent.... and it's actually a sacrifice.

seriously, i am. and even though lent doesn't officially start until wednesday, i already deactivated. it's been less than twenty-four hours and i've already had to stop myself several times from typing in that oh-so-familiar web address. ridiculous. i embarass myself.

there is a method to my madness, however. if you look below, one of my new year's resolutions is to be better about keeping in touch with people. facebook seems like a cop-out to me. seriously? if i want to check in with someone that badly, i can just as easily call them, or at least do them the courtesy of an email. technology is great, but let's show people we care, shall we?

so, wish me luck. and don't try to write on my wall. it's not there. i've depleted the facebook world of one more rapkowicz.... we're down to just three now, i think.....

there's no place like home.

so last week i went on a whirlwind adventure tour of the south. here's how it went:

chattanooga to knoxville to chattanooga to rome to chattanooga to atlanta to chattanooga to bristol to boone to bristol to chattanooga. 

oh, and i was the driver on all these trips. whew. it was fun, but tiring.

first, we went to rome to hear THE cory tucker play at the peach palace. interesting place. apparently the dance party with dj slick rick happening upstairs wasn't ready for our dance moves. oh, and also i had forgotten my crazy slutty tank top at home. darn. so i just hung out downstairs with cory and the PT crew and BIRD, yay! and, i got an incredible cinnamon pretzel at schroeder's deli. highly recommended.

back to chatt-town and then to atlanta (to see bird, AGAIN, how am i so lucky?) for the Bodies exhibit. it was a required "field trip" --- wasn't sure those were still allowed in graduate school. buthey, randy walker does what he wants. it was incredibly interesting, however, and reminded me of the many many things that i have already forgotten from anatomy. fabulous.

cory conveniently parked at the outlets in calhoun, so naturally the girls did a little shopping on the way back. hey, everything was on sale.... and it's for clinic! (the new excuse to buy clothes...)

back to class for a few days, and then we were on the CSM break. the whole point in going to bristol/NC was for skiing purposes. however, seeing

as how i had never skiied a day in my life, and didn't really want to break anything that particular day, i hung out and studied in the lodge-place until IZZY got out of class!! it was great to finally see where she lived and get to hang out with her for a few hours. gotta love my moneyball :)

i love road trips, and had a blast going all of these places. you would be amazed at the randomness that can happen on a simple overnight trip. they are great memories. but i don't know if i am getting older, or what, but for some reason, when i got back on friday, it felt good to just be home. even though it's not really home, it's a place with my stuff in it: my bed, my food, my clothes that are not in a suitcase. it's weird. i used to have the travel bug like crazy. and even though i still want to see so much more of the world, for now i'm kind of content to be where i am. weird, huh?

ding dong, the MRSA's gone.....

NO. MORE. MRSA.

i'm pretty pumped. this is me being excited. 

thanks to everyone who sent prayers and positive thoughts and mashed potatoes my way. :)

i used to hate valentine's day...

but i'm not going to this year because i'm being positive. yay love.

anyways, if you feel yourself (not) loving the (not) wonderful holiday that is february 14th, watch this. it will make you love at least a little part of it. maybe?

MRSA can suck it.

yes, this is in my body. 

for those of you who don't know, i spent the better part of christmas break/january being really sickly. it was awesome. 

syke.

it started out as a stomach bug, and then a stomach bug that wouldn't go away, and then oh crap this isn't a stomach bug, and then what the heck is wrong with me. 

when we finally did find out the diagnosis, i was terrified: being in a medical professional program will teach you to fear MRSA quickly. so when my doctor told me i had it, i suddenly had images of myself laying in a negative pressure isolette, holding my mom's hand through some plastic thingy while she stood there in a hazmat suit. it was not a good feeling.

luckily, that is not what happened, and i have been feeling somewhat better. but let's look on the bright side of things, since i'm being more positive in 2009. i have lost weight, which is never a bad thing. i have become a relative connoisseur of mashed potatoes. i got to catch up on my couch/tv/dvr/rented movie time that i never get during school. and it didn't happen during school, which was a huge blessing. 

look at me, being all glass half full. who knew. 

anyways, keep me in your prayers. hopefully God will de-MRSA me soon.

2009.

so in an attempt to be completely unoriginal, i have decided to write about the new year. 

it's amazing that something as simple as the change of a date affects our psyche so drastically. it drives people to join gyms, buy nicorette, and clean out closets--real or metaphorical. it's like we have a clean slate, a chance to be something in this year that we weren't in the last. i don't know who came up with this whole resolution phenomenon, but they were a genius.

i'm usually not a big resolution maker, because, like most of the things i set out to do, i usually don't do them very well. however, perhaps by publicly declaring them (and by publicly, i mean to the 7 of my friends who read this) i will actually perform said intentions. so here they are: d-rap's resolutions of 2009.

1. be a better daughter/sister/friend and CALL people. i'm not a big phone person. so it doesn't hurt my feelings when people don't call me. apparently, however, not all people are like this. so, to show people in my life how much i care about them, i am going to talk on the phone more. verizon, rejoice.

2. worry less. enough said.

3. stress about school less. enough said.

4. be more positive. i've recently fallen into a routine of cynicism and sarcasm that, although witty and often amusing, is not good. let the self-deprecation cease.... now.

5. take more time for myself. i don't do this enough. and i should. so i'm going to.

there they are. let the accountability commence, people.