dan-ielle in real life.

"you don't have to smile."

"it's better than the alternative."

---dan in real life---

you know when you have one of those times in your life when nothing seems to really go the way you planned? like in one of those state farm commercial big red dot sort of things that mcdreamy keeps narrating: yeah, i'm there. 

and i'm not talking like, i had a bad hair day and someone took my parking spot (although my car did get towed the other day, THAT was awesome). it's more like that quote from love & basketball: "it's a trip, you know. when you're a kid, you see the life you want, and it never occurs to you that it's not gonna turn out that way." 

fyi: i tend to relate my life to movies and music. lay off.

it's like i have this person in my head that i want to become, and she's out there in the distance, somewhere, and this little person i actually am is running my legs off to catch up to her. and failing miserably.

anyways, i sat down to write this thing and realized just about.......now........that i was doing a really bad job of explaining my thoughts. so i decided to scrap it for the day and go on to the next thing on my agenda: listening to the mosaic podcast. for those of you who i haven't told about this, mosaic is the church caroline goes to in LA, and when i went to visit her, i had the opportunity to go there. it. is. incredible. i would move there just to get to go to that church every week. but since i kind of like it here, for now i've settled for the podcasts of their sermons, which are just as good except for i don't get to go with my little cp. :)

it' funny how the lord works because i chose the most recent one, which happened to be entitled "dreams". it centered on the dreams we all have for our lives, how to discern the dream God has for us, and finally how to pursue those dreams violently. and suddenly, for 40 minutes, erwin mcmanus talked about exactly what my heart had been feeling, but my mind was unable to comprehend. it was awesome. i love when things happen like that.

here are a few quotes from the sermon that really grabbed me: 

"it may be in the most difficult times of life; that's when it's most important to dream."

"it (your dream) may depress you when you begin to measure your own life against it. but it's not meant to depress you; it's meant to inspire you so that you can unleash it and begin to pursue it."

"the tragedy isn't that this isn't their dream, it's that there IS a dream that should be their life and they've given up on it... they're living a life out of obligation, rather than a life of passion."

and finally, the macdaddy ending that blew my mind for the next day:

"we have a barricade between the life that we live in fear, and the life that we could live in our dreams. and this isn't supposed to be a life that you dream of with your eyes closed, it's a life that you dream of wide awake... God will not do for you what you must do. 3,2,1 life is quickly slipping away... you and only you must choose to jettison your life forward... there is a part of this journey that you cannot do alone. a journey to pursue a life that is bigger than you... it is inspired by the spirit of God whispering into your soul 'you were meant for more than this'. "

there it is. my thoughts, His words. infinitely more eloquent that i could have stated it. so for now, i'm dreaming with my eyes open (since i don't sleep anyway) and trying to stop life from slipping too much further into the future before i figure out who that person looks like off in the distance. 

my sweet boy.

i just realized that when i posted about my entourage, i forgot an essential member: my puppy! well, i guess he's almost done being a puppy, but he's still little. duke is my first dog ever; he's a miniature dachshund, and i love him a lot. i've wanted a dog pretty much since forever, and he is so perfect. his hobbies include eating anything that hits the floor, playing with his aldergator, and snuggling in anyone's lap who will sit still long enough to let him. his worst enemies are the vacuum and the big red exercise ball. he's quirky and clumsy, like me, and i think i forgot what it was like to not have him around. even pat rap loves him! oh, and did i mention he's probably the cutest thing ever?

love actually is all around.....?

disclaimer: this post should not be viewed as a "woe unto me, lonely hearted girl" post. for real. sympathetic comments will not be tolerated. and if anyone, anyone tries to tell me that everything happens for a reason, or quotes me jeremiah 29, i will e-punch you in the face. 

that being said, i'm a little down on the whole subject of love. 

it's not just my own pathetic love life, which, if you know me at all, you know is virtually non-existent. i'm twenty-three years old and i have yet to be in a serious relationship. i know about nine males in the city of chattanooga, most of whom are either married or seriously taken. it's been so long since someone kissed me and meant it that i pretty much can't remember what that's like. and i'm mayor of the freakin' friend zone. but as bad as all that is, it's not just that.

i've lost faith in the whole institution of love. not friendly love, or family love. i have been more than blessed with the experience of both of those. i'm talking about love love. you jump i jump, if you're a bird i'm a bird, meet me at the top of the empire state building kind of love. 

and i know that real love isn't like the movies. i get it. but when i look around, i am saddened not because so many others have love that i don't, but because i don't have it and i can't see it anywhere else. all i see are relationships ending, marriages being ruined by selfish needs and wants, and the word love generally being batted around like a beach ball at a rock concert: without care or direction, without purpose, people just trying to get their hands on it to make themselves feel important. i'm tired of counseling my friends who have had their hearts broken by those who say they "love" them. i'm tired of going to weddings where i can't be happy because i know that the "love" between the couple is a fleeting fancy. 

this is where my mother would yell at me for being a cynic. and this is where i tell her i'm just being a realist. because in this world today, it's actually scary how un-shocking the absence of love is. google "pastor cheats on wife" and see for yourself how realistic i actually am being.

by the way, it's 638,000. get it yet?

i'm not completely writing off love. yet. i'm maintaining hope at the moment for the sake of sanity. but i will remain in an innocent until proven guilty sort of state, and i will continue in this train of thought until someone proves me wrong. i sincerely hope this will be the case. 

if this was depressing, i apologize. anytime you need good dose of jaded discussion, i'm your girl for sure. if you need a pick me up, however, this little guy is your best bet.